I often have overwhelmingly strong desires to keep secrets, to not tell people if there are truly exciting events coming up in my life. For some reason these events seem as though they need to be kept bundled up in a package labeled "Secret" or "Confidential" or even "Sacred".
This year gives off the impression of being filled with many sacred secrets. The reality of the matter is, this year I will do many things I never thought would be possible in my life. And it is all so inexpressible.
When I was 20, I received a letter from my sixteen-year-old self about what my hopes and dreams were for my life. Basically it was all about dancing, marriage, and babies. That is all I imagined for myself; it was I hoped for. Now at 22 (obviously so much older and wiser {note: sarcasm}), there is a great schism between what I then hoped for and what is now reality. But more importantly, there is now a greater bond between what I hope for what is reality.
Thinking about my life now sometimes brings the sharp sting of tears to my eyes and that aching choking feeling in my throat that makes it so hard to breathe in a normal fashion. I have finished my applications to graduate school and I am going to England in April. Sixteen-year-old me did not envision this, and I am almost happier that she did not (she had such a dull imagination). I never imagined that little old me would be applying to graduate school. The chance to apply is almost as wonderful as actually being accepted to my programs (almost).
And going to England is as good as going home. When I think about England, it feels like I'm only going home. There is such an ache to be there, as though a part of me will be missing until it's filled with British rain, mud, and accents. The United States will always be my country (I'll always be a patriot at heart), but England feels like my home. It's cheesy, so very cheesy, but nevertheless the most accurate description I can give.
These are my sacred secrets. The blessings I never imagined possible. Sixteen-year-old me just wanted a dance studio, a rancher husband, and seven or eight beautiful babies. That's not my reality now (maybe someday it will be {sans rancher husband, how about a lawyer?}), but my reality is much better than I dreamed it could be. I think it's safe to say that that is how life will continue to be.
-KB
I've never been to England or any part of Europe for thy matter, but the way you talk about it is exactly how I feel! People think I'm crazy for having such a bond with a place I've never visited. Are you going just to visit or with a semester abroad?? Either way have fun and know that I'm dying of jealousy ;)
ReplyDeleteDon't you wonder if your bond with England comes from your ancestors who lived there and who left their beloved country for religious freedom? I think so! I hope you get to see some of the places they lived! BTW, where is the paper you wrote about them???
ReplyDeleteI am SO glad that I didn't marry a rancher like I dreamed of doing when I was young! When I asked your Daddy the other day when he plans to retire, he said, "I like my job and I love what I do at work!" He wants to work for ten more years! After 40+ years say he's a keeper!!! And we're SO grateful that we had NINE babies!!! If we hadn't, there wouldn't be YOU! And now in the empty nest, I find myself still wishing that we could've had 12!
I am so glad you're going to England! Jeremy said that in Paris all the people are beautiful, but they all smell bad, and that in England they all look funny but are at least clean. Ha, ha! I often find myself missing Paris even though I've never been there. Maybe you and I are both just overly romantic. ;) Jeremy just loved Paris so much it seems like I should know and love it.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was about 16, all I wanted for my future self was to get married and have babies. I had some vague notion that it would be awesome to be a choir teacher, so that's what I studied in college, but I don't think I ever saw it as my true calling. It's funny how things change and how life is always such a surprise. I did get my wish, but it has been so different from how I expected. Everything is not all shiny, my children are not always happy, and I am a horrible housekeeper. Still, I am thankful for my life and how it has been and for the lessons I've learned. And I love that you are glad for your life too. You never know what's going to happen, but it all works out great somehow, doesn't it? :)