Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying.

There is just one place in this wide, wide, ever-so-wide world I have ever wanted to go.

London.

If I never see anything else (which I hope is not the case), if only I see London, all will be right with the world. That is why I did something dastardly. When I told my parents six months ago what I wanted to do, they laughed and then they said no. So, being the sort of person that I am, I just cried and cried and cried and lamented the fact that I would never go to London. Never ever ever. Then Holly went to London and I wanted to die. Of course Holly deserved to go to London and of course I was (am) so happy for her, but I couldn't stand that I wasn't there with her or at least going to go someday in the future. So I cried and gnashed my teeth a little bit more. And everywhere I went, there was London beckoning me to come to her. From the giant posters advertising studies abroad to the Olympics. All it was was London, London, London.

And I kept thinking and thinking about my future. About how I had no plans for winter semester and how I needed to go somewhere to see something, to fly on an airplane for my very first time. And there was London right before me, taunting me once again. I told Holly I wanted to go. She said I needed to go. 

On an escalator in the mall a mere four days ago, I murmured to my parents my plans to go to London. On a study abroad that costs an exorbitant amount of money. A heart-burn inducing amount of money. I told them I was at least going to apply and see if I could get in. They just looked at me and then at each other, worry creasing their brows and they said nothing. I know how much they disapprove.

But I applied today to go to London in January.

If I am accepted (which is not certain) I may spend the next several years paying back every cent I most likely will have to borrow. I may be stealing away my future children's college and mission fund. I may be forfeiting my chances for marriage altogether.

I am sick with worry that I will be rejected or that (worse still) I will be accepted and have to reject the offer because of my lack of funds. I am worried I will disappoint my parents and family. But I know that if I don't go, if I don't try my darnedest to go, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I know that this is my last chance to go, maybe for the rest of my life. Because I am determined to be like my mother, to wear the old clothes when her children wear the brand new ones, to give up dreams and ambitions to stay home and raise her children. I want to sacrifice everything to give them the best, just like she has. I want to be like that.

But until then, there are places to see.

Aren't there?

-KB