Missed Punch Mayhem

Being a secretary on the campus of BYU, it is my responsibility to fix the "missed punches" of our many employees. It's a simple process really, if someone forgets to punch in to their job or punch out, they email our office and we fix it. Enough said.

But sometimes, just sometimes, missing punches is much more complicated than all that. As is evidenced by this email:

On Thursday, September 1, 2011 I woke up to the sound of Jerry Lee Lewis pounding out "Great Balls of Fire" on the piano just like every morning for the past few months since I changed the alarm on my phone to this classic hit song. I knew today felt different, but I wasn't sure why, that is until I arrived on campus to an unusual commotion by the {My Building} building. Students were scrambling and crying out in fear, running wildly with their arms waving around like Apple fans after Steve Jobs stepped down. Amongst the screaming jibberish I could make the words, "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!", "Dementors!", and "Dr. Macedone!". Being a good student, I decided to head to class anyway determined to outscore the other pre-med students who had slaved the night away in Janice Gorzynski's #1 bestkiller, Organic Chemistry, and sold their souls to the chemistry demi-god...the coveted A. Despite all the madness and face-sucking from the dementors, I managed to make it to class and a meeting with my lab co-workers afterwards {which was delightful by the

way, despite the horrifying scenes surrounding us}. As I left the meeting something chilled the back of my neck and before I could pull out my wand and "expecto patronum" that cracker back to Azkaban, I was in a full out face-sucking session and I'm not talking about the kind that might land you a spot in the bishop's office. Exhausted and delirious after being the subject of this twisted feeding frenzy, I desperately crawled to a punch station where I knew I had to clock out before I passed out or I might disappoint my comrades at the noble {Our Office}. The looters had already taken everything from the {His Building} building and left it a burning wreckage, and as I looked around at the carnage I noticed a small child huddled in the corner crying for help as the wolf vision hanging by only a wire threatened certain death from above. I had a quick decision to make, either clock out while the power was still on, or save the child and risk the power going out before I could retur

n to punch out. I knew that I would be receiving an email if I missed this punch, but I could not let my own misfortune get in the way of this innocent child's future. So, in a quick moment I leapt up on my feet, knees bloody from crawling over the rubble, and with renewed strength made my way over to the whimpering child and out of the building. Unfortunately, after that I passed out, and when I woke up everything was back to normal in the {My Building}, so I'm assuming we have a really great custodial team here which I would like you to send my thanks to, because without them...I mean seriously, this place would be a mess.

So I apologize that I missed this punch. And I know, I completely agree

I need to be better prepared for near apocalypse situations, however, I hope you'll be able to understand my situation and forgive my great misdeed.

Remorsefully,

{Insert Employee Name Here}

{An actual photo of a dementor attack}

To which I was duty bound to respond:

Mr. {Employee},

I am sorry to hear of the misfortune that occurred yesterday in the {His Building} building. Luckily, the {Our Building} Building is protected by several defensive spells which allow us to carry on with our work as scheduled despite the bombings, dementor attacks, and the like which frequent the {His Building}.

Because of your unselfish act of saving that child, your missed punch has been edited, so you will be payed accordingly as always.

I realize the difficulty of punching in and punching out when such circumstances occur, however, I remind you that an inordinate amount of missed punches is not a thing to be trifled with. So please remember to be prepared at all times for the following {which may at any time interrupt your need to clock in or out of your job in the {His Building}:

Fire, famine, flood, pestilence, any of the 10 plagues of Egypt, dementor attacks, nuclear bombings, everyday bombings, tornado, earthquake, hurricane, tsunami, pre-meditated war, un-meditated war, impromptu jousting tournaments, Jimmer Fredette sightings, economic depressions, alien encounters, or death.

Your business is our pleasure, and as always, keep your wand ready!

Sincerely,

{Name of my Office}