Employee Evaluation

Every few months, my fellow student employees and I are subjected to student employee evaluations. I dread employee evaluations like I dread the Second Coming. Maybe worse. I know that the end result will be good (if not joyful and triumphant) but the process is messy. Employee evaluations are merciless and give my mental and emotional stability a sound beating.

So when I arrived at work this morning and noticed the employee evaluation packet sitting on my desk, I had the urge to inform my boss that I had suddenly taken ill and was going to proceed to the nearest clinic and beg for some sort of drug that would make everything seem right with the world. Isn't that what medical marijuana is for?

No, I must be brave.

I collapsed into my swivel chair and braced myself before proceeding to read the packet:

Dear Employee:
As a student employee in the ____________Department it is nearing the time for your formal student employee evaluation.

Please no! I'll make it simple and just quit!

This process will help further your growth as an employee.

Help me?! It's not helping me! 

I took a large swig from my water bottle as though it were a conveniently placed flask full of some tranquilizing beverage, and carried on through the rest of the cover letter:

During your formal evaluation, your supervisors will evaluate your growth as an employee during the last year. This is a time for setting goals, evaluating your needs, and finding areas for improvement. We look forward to your evaluation and may the odds be ever in your favor. 

I am now an official candidate in The Office Hunger Games. You either win or you're fired and you starve because of your lack of employment.

After the cover letter, I braced myself for the following pages full grueling questions as to whether I truly know what it is I do at work all day. As I read through the packet my ineptitude as an employee was laid bare as I was asked to evaluate myself as an employee. I began to wonder why I was even hired, and how I've even survived the last year of working here. If I was my employer, I would have fired me ages ago. I stared about listlessly at my office space. Failure stared me in the face in the form of a plant. I killed you plant. Poor little plant. You didn't stand a chance when it became my job to care for you. I am entirely incompetent when it comes to plant care. You were once a thriving basket of green, and now you're a drooping, yellowing object of pity. 

For the past six hours, I have been utterly depressed. I have been poring over our office's large binder of instructions. Why did I not have the foresight to memorize this invaluable five pounds of information prior to evaluations? Why have I not studied it and kept it as my constant companion? I have performed poorly indeed!

If I survive evaluations I will have a celebratory feast of...more oatmeal, maybe a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

-KB

The Fetus: An artistic masterpiece by Miss Lindsay H.

Author's Note: This post in no way reflects my  feelings towards my job or my supervisors. Only employee evaluations. I enjoy my job very much and enjoy my supervisors even more. They are wonderful people and I find it a pleasure to work with them each and every day. Especially Teresa, who has become a dear friend and will be singing a cornucopia of poorly composed songs at my wedding reception with The Fetus.