Sarcasm and How to Fail a Test

This is my face. I have had this face for twenty-one years, and I am attached to it, and it is as attached to me as I am attached to it interestingly enough. On my face is my mouth, and sometimes it says some funny things. Sometimes what my mouth says gets lost in translation with the understanding of others.

I have discovered recently that some people cannot tell the difference between my sarcasm and my genuineness.

Examples of this:

1. A few months ago, a roommate {who shall remain nameless} was moving out and had packed away her pajamas and such things, but was still staying one last night at the apartment. I offered a pair of shorts and a t-shirt to serve as her pajamas. "I also forgot that I packed my underwear," she said. "Oh, just borrow a pair of mine," I replied in what I thought was a very obviously sarcastic tone. Apparently it was not sarcastic enough because the next morning, my favorite undies were pilfered. {Note: This is no way affects my good feelings towards said roommate, but who in their right mind borrows another person's underwear?! She just claims that I have a germ phobia, but I submit that underwear borrowing is crossing the line!}

2. Last week, I was in my religion class and let it be known that it is one of my favorite classes this semester. My love for it is only surpassed by my Shakespeare class. {Not sarcasm}. I was sitting by a girl I was not acquainted with, so to strike up a friendly conversation before class started, I asked, "Don't you just love this class?" She stammered a little, "Well...well...I sort of like it. You don't?" Come on. I LOVE this class! I just said that I did. How are you confused on this point? Apparently one should not be too ecstatic. It confuses people.

Now for some instruction on how to fail tests at BYU:

There are many ways in which you may fail tests here at the Y these are a few of the most common:

1. Be unprepared. Do not study. Just take that test whilst assuring yourself that going to class was enough for you to ace this test. No problem.

2. Don't go to class. Everything on the test should be in the book.

3. Don't take notes in class. Your brain can handle the remembering. It's too much of a hassle to carry a notebook and a pen {or a computer} anyways.

4. Procrastinate the day of your repentance. Simply do not prepare until you are about to walk into the testing center.

5. Completely misunderstand your teacher's instructions. {My personal favorite and most common mode of failure}.

Missed Punch Mayhem

Being a secretary on the campus of BYU, it is my responsibility to fix the "missed punches" of our many employees. It's a simple process really, if someone forgets to punch in to their job or punch out, they email our office and we fix it. Enough said.

But sometimes, just sometimes, missing punches is much more complicated than all that. As is evidenced by this email:

On Thursday, September 1, 2011 I woke up to the sound of Jerry Lee Lewis pounding out "Great Balls of Fire" on the piano just like every morning for the past few months since I changed the alarm on my phone to this classic hit song. I knew today felt different, but I wasn't sure why, that is until I arrived on campus to an unusual commotion by the {My Building} building. Students were scrambling and crying out in fear, running wildly with their arms waving around like Apple fans after Steve Jobs stepped down. Amongst the screaming jibberish I could make the words, "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!", "Dementors!", and "Dr. Macedone!". Being a good student, I decided to head to class anyway determined to outscore the other pre-med students who had slaved the night away in Janice Gorzynski's #1 bestkiller, Organic Chemistry, and sold their souls to the chemistry demi-god...the coveted A. Despite all the madness and face-sucking from the dementors, I managed to make it to class and a meeting with my lab co-workers afterwards {which was delightful by the

way, despite the horrifying scenes surrounding us}. As I left the meeting something chilled the back of my neck and before I could pull out my wand and "expecto patronum" that cracker back to Azkaban, I was in a full out face-sucking session and I'm not talking about the kind that might land you a spot in the bishop's office. Exhausted and delirious after being the subject of this twisted feeding frenzy, I desperately crawled to a punch station where I knew I had to clock out before I passed out or I might disappoint my comrades at the noble {Our Office}. The looters had already taken everything from the {His Building} building and left it a burning wreckage, and as I looked around at the carnage I noticed a small child huddled in the corner crying for help as the wolf vision hanging by only a wire threatened certain death from above. I had a quick decision to make, either clock out while the power was still on, or save the child and risk the power going out before I could retur

n to punch out. I knew that I would be receiving an email if I missed this punch, but I could not let my own misfortune get in the way of this innocent child's future. So, in a quick moment I leapt up on my feet, knees bloody from crawling over the rubble, and with renewed strength made my way over to the whimpering child and out of the building. Unfortunately, after that I passed out, and when I woke up everything was back to normal in the {My Building}, so I'm assuming we have a really great custodial team here which I would like you to send my thanks to, because without them...I mean seriously, this place would be a mess.

So I apologize that I missed this punch. And I know, I completely agree

I need to be better prepared for near apocalypse situations, however, I hope you'll be able to understand my situation and forgive my great misdeed.

Remorsefully,

{Insert Employee Name Here}

{An actual photo of a dementor attack}

To which I was duty bound to respond:

Mr. {Employee},

I am sorry to hear of the misfortune that occurred yesterday in the {His Building} building. Luckily, the {Our Building} Building is protected by several defensive spells which allow us to carry on with our work as scheduled despite the bombings, dementor attacks, and the like which frequent the {His Building}.

Because of your unselfish act of saving that child, your missed punch has been edited, so you will be payed accordingly as always.

I realize the difficulty of punching in and punching out when such circumstances occur, however, I remind you that an inordinate amount of missed punches is not a thing to be trifled with. So please remember to be prepared at all times for the following {which may at any time interrupt your need to clock in or out of your job in the {His Building}:

Fire, famine, flood, pestilence, any of the 10 plagues of Egypt, dementor attacks, nuclear bombings, everyday bombings, tornado, earthquake, hurricane, tsunami, pre-meditated war, un-meditated war, impromptu jousting tournaments, Jimmer Fredette sightings, economic depressions, alien encounters, or death.

Your business is our pleasure, and as always, keep your wand ready!

Sincerely,

{Name of my Office}

A Few Weeks in the Life of Kelly Marie

My first two weeks of school are completed. Two more semesters and fourteen weeks remain.

The word on the professors thus far:

1. Richard "Rick" Duerden-Shakespeare
Best class I have ever had. Best teacher. Best subject. Best sense of humor. Best. Best. Best. Best. Best.

2. Zachary "Hutch" Hutchins-American Literature 1800-1865: The American Autobiography
Apparently they found every Benjamin Franklin Autobiography lover on campus and put them in this class. I for one, missed the memo, and am the only person in the class who finds it beyond tedious. Also, my teacher informed us that there is no possible way the receive an "A" in his class. And no, I am not very happy about this at all. But oh, how I will prove him wrong. Or at least somewhat less right.

3. Matthew O. Richardson-LDS Marriage and Family
If you ever need an instant testimony boost, Dr. Richardson is your man.

4. Judy R. Saunders-American Sign Language 201
Is it just BYU, or do all Deaf persons have a great sense of humor?

5. Eric "Rick" Walton-Writing for Children and Adolescents
Being taught how to write picture books for children by a man who writes picture books for a living couldn't have been better planned.

School will be school. I am doing my best to do better than simply survive. But at the Y, it seems that for most of us, survive is all we can do.

Segue.

If you thought that I would ever grow out of my awkwardness, you greatly overestimated the rate of my maturation.

The man who made me fifty dollars richer wandered across my path a couple weeks ago. In fact he wanders across my path so often, that I have invested in a "frequent crossing" sign for him. On this particular night, he was walking with Ettie, while Holly and I scampered on ahead to my car. I unlocked the doors, Holly and I got in, and Mr. PhD chaperoned Ettie ceremoniously to the car. She got in, but Mr. PhD remained at the door continuing their conversation. I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel impatiently, and then Mr. PhD leaned in towards the car {although not very far because all I could see was his arm}, "You know Kelly, I haven't forgotten." Referring to the alleged encounter from a few months ago. I stammered to his forearm, "Oh...uh...yeah....that would be kind of hard to forget." Meaning that I had been such an idiot that no one could easily forget that beyond awkward day. Then my elbow, which was resting on my steering wheel slipped and honked my horn. With the final word being my car's, Mr. PhD laughed, closed the door and we sped away into the night.

One day when he's an apostle, I will have great stories to tell.
To all a good Friday!